The Dog Mafia

So at night there are loads of dogs on the streets in my area of town. They roll in packs and at roughly midnight or later they are a little creepy. I’ll say the same thing about the dogs as I said about the ants that run my kitchen after 11pm, “they are smart and they are organized”. There is one pack of dogs that I have a particular problem with.


This one pack of dogs has managed to cut off the main intersection between my house and a friend’s house. I am convinced that the dogs strategically placed themselves at the particular intersection to cause me anxiety in the middle of the night. You try and do something nice for a friend and walk them home at 2 in the morning but not without crossing paths with the dogs. There are normally 6 of them, 5 sit together while the 6th is a few yards down the road on guard duty. So of course he wakes up the other 5 so that I have to walk through them to a chorus of growls.


Not in the least bit unnerving considering the nurse who gave me my vaccinations told me not to get bit by anything (That was her advice on how not to get rabies). Any way there’s no way around the dogs they cut off the only intersection on the walk that we actually need. It was bad enough one night I actually carried a large rock in my hand in-case I needed to bash in someone’s face. Good times but the real fun is with the people.


My friend Greg lost one of his own personal dogs the other day, little guy ran out the door, sadly he does not know his way home like the other dog. So we had been on the lookout for this for about two days. Greg put up some flyers with my phone number (because he needed someone who spoke French to answer the phone). Yesterday at 6am I got a phone call about the dog.
First of all, my French ok but not on the phone, secondly my French is even worse at 6am. This is where it gets sketchy. The person on the other end sounded like they were using one of those voice changing devices or something. They ended up sounding like they had just sucked down a tank of helium. They did say that have the dog though so that was good news.


Later the guy stopped by Greg’s house, once again Greg’s French not wonderful so when he came to get me the dog was either dead or alive we really weren’t sure. Any way I get to the house the guy is gone so I have to make a call to the helium monster again. He comes over, again without the dog, and surprisingly sounds normal in person. Now the negotiations start, why we needed to negotiate to get the dog back I’m really not sure other than this is Burkina. I’ll do my best to put the conversation in to a script form.

Me: Do you have the dog or have you just seen the dog?

Dog mobster: Yes

Me: Yes what?

DM: I saw the dog the other day, it fell in the canal.

Me: Is the dog dead?

DM: No he’s not dead.

Me: Well, where is the dog?

DM: It’s with my cousin. How much are we getting paid?

Me: We can pay, but can I see the dog?

DM: No.

Me: Is the dog dead?

DM: No.

Me: Then I want to see the dog make sure it’s ok then we’ll talk about payment. Can you bring the dog here?

DM: No.

Me: Wait here. (I went and retrieved Greg from the shower he was trying to take) Greg they have the dog but don’t want to show it to us.

Greg: What are they holding it for ransom?

Me: Pretty much.

So we roll out I tell the guy we’ll follow him to his cousin’s house to get the dog. When we arrive at the complex, a court yard with three small mud-brick single room houses, we are greeted with the faint smell of poop and chicken, of which there were plenty of both. Negotiations round # 2. The dog exits one of the houses and runs to Greg, a good sign considering we thought he was dead.

DM 1: Here’s the dog.

DM 2: We have had the dog for two days now.

Me: Yes, thanks so what do you think is a good price to pay you? (This is a cultural thing here,
no one will give a price they will normally just ask the customer what price they think is good then tell them they’re wrong until we arrive at the correct price)

DM 1: Well it wasn’t me who found the dog; it was these two other guys down the street.

DM 2: Yes there were two more people who found the dog we just watched it here.

Me: Great (not important and most likely not true) so how much, how about 8,000 CFA (about $17).

DM 1 and 2: Well it wasn’t us who found it there’s more people, 8,000 CFA isn’t enough.
Me: Then how much?

DM 2: Ok, how about 5,000 CFA a person because there are more people.

Me: How much in total then?

DM 2: 20,000 CFA.

Me: High pitched screeching sound (a local move denoting disapproval and/or surprise at a statement), that’s too much, no, we’ll do 15,000 CFA but that’s it. Greg grab the dog let’s get out of here.

We grab the dog hand over 15,000 CFA, most likely half or all of a monthly salary for these guys unless of course they this dog ransom thing ever week. In any case it was fun although completely ridiculous.